Once upon a time a friend of mine, the infamous Skoolyard Killa, made me watch the movie Torque. I decided to write a review of it after all these years. Here you go:
Listen, learn, laugh and love as J and Mike contemplate surviving the zombie apocalypse as it happens during work hours at their unnamed sub shop in an unnamed Chicago suburb. In the zombie apocalypse, first you get the knives, then you get the food, then you jerk off…a lot.
As Tim slept in his bed, a sinister figured looked on. Tim suddenly screamed and writhed in terror, squirming first out of, then deep into, his blanket. Then, as suddenly as it began, he laid still. As silent as a mouse in a trap.
Tim awoke to a wonderful Saturday morning. The sun was shining and the rain from the the previous days had all but evaporated into the heavens. He popped out of bed and traded his dinosaur pajamas for a green shirt and a pair of corduroy trousers. This was going to be a glorious day for playing outdoors. He had been cooped up inside for the past few days as storms ravaged the outside world.
After strapping on his shoes and assuring his mother he wouldn’t wander far, he picked up Arthur. Even though he was only a small, stuffed bear, Arthur was Tim’s best friend. They did everything together. Today would be no exception.
Bounding down the stoop and across the front yard, Tim and Arthur made their way to an old tree in the neighbors yard. The tree didn’t have many leaves, even though it was already late spring. It’s bark was gnarled and the few branches it had twisted every which way. Tim pulled away a fist-sized piece of bark from the base of the tree, revealing a sizable cavern filled with dollar bills and various coinage. He removed the two dollars and sixteen cents of lunch money he had saved from the previous week and shoved it deep into the recess of the old tree.
“I hope this is enough,” Tim whispered to Arthur. “I don’t want the dreams tonight. I never want the dreams.”
Tim starred at Arthur for a reaction. But Arthur just sat silently propped next to the hole in the tree.
The rest of the day was spent wandering the nearby fields and inciting war against various legions of insects. As the sky grew dark, they headed back home. Tim moved slowly. He was worried about the night ahead.
Dinner went without note as did the rest of the evening. But when it came time for bed, Tim’s chest was tight. He washed his face and brushed his teeth. Then, cumbersomely, clambered into bed.
Tim didn’t want to sleep. He had paid a sizable amount early in the day, but it didn’t always seem to be enough. As the hours wore on, Tim sunk into a deep, unrestful sleep.
Once it was certain Tim was asleep, Arthur moved closer. The stuffed bear loomed ominously over the boy. Then, like a whisper of smoke, Arthur traversed through Tim’s nose and into his soul.
“It’s never enough. Never.”
Midnight Peebs Game INSTRUCTIONS
“Midnight Peebs” is an old pagan ritual used mainly as punishment for those who have broken the law. While it is mainly used as a scare tactic to not disobey the lords of kobol, there is still a very real chance of death to those who play Midnight Peebs and there is an even higher chance of permanent mental scarring. It is highly recommended that you DO NOT PLAY MIDNIGHT PEEBS.
Do so at your own risk.
PREREQUISITES: It must be exactly 12:00 AM when you begin performing the ritual, otherwise it will not work. It helps to be buzzed, if not drunk. The materials that are required include a candle, at least one drop of your own favorite booze, a piece of paper, matches or a lighter, pizza rolls, and a Beck CD.
STEP ONE: Write your full name on a piece of paper and put a drop of booze on it. Allow it to soak in.
STEP TWO: Turn off all the lights in the house. Go to your front door and place the paper with your name in front of it. Now, take the candle and light it. Place the candle on top of the paper with your name.
STEP THREE: Knock on your own door 31 times (The hour MUST be 12:00 AM upon the final knock), then open the door, let Paul Brooks into your house, blow out the candle, and close the door. You have just allowed the “Midnight Peebs” into your home. Begin playing the Beck CD.
STEP FOUR: Immediately relight your candle.
This is where the game begins. You must now lurk around your now completely dark house with the lit candle in hand. Your goal is to avoid Midnight Peebs at all costs until exactly 3:33 AM. Should your candle ever go out, it is because Midnight Peebs is near you. You must relight the candle within the next ten seconds. If you are unsuccessful in relighting the candle, you must then immediately surround yourself with a circle of pizza rolls.
If you are unsuccessful in both of these, Midnight Peebs will then induce a hallucination of your greatest fear until 3:33 AM, during which time he will feel you creepy. If you are successful in relighting the candle, then you may proceed. If you are successful in creating the circle of pizza rolls, you must remain within the circle until 3:33 AM. You must continue until 3:33 AM without being attacked by Midnight Peebs or being trapped within the circle of pizza rolls to win the game. Midnight Peebs will then leave at 3:33 AM and you will be safe to proceed with your morning.
Staying in one spot the entire game will only result in Midnight Peebs finding you. It is HIGHLY advised that you continue moving throughout the game.
DO NOT talk about Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT MIDNIGHT PEEBS.
DO NOT turn on any lights during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use a flashlight during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT go to sleep during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use another person’s booze during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use a lighter to substitute for a candle. It will not work.
AND DEFINITELY DO NOT attempt to provoke Midnight Peebs in ANY WAY.
That is all. Have fun.