Dreamscape: H. Jon Benjamin Murdered Me

We were walking through a freshly snow covered European forest. The group of us, about fifteen or so, were chatting together and having a merry time as we trudged through trees and underbrush. I didn’t know anyone in the group except for one man, Mr. H. Jon Benjamin.

Eventually we came to a clearing in the forest and the group stopped. This seemed the perfect place for the reenactment of the worlds most notorious war criminals. A few of us played the part of the United Nations but most played the parts of war criminals throughout history. I was Stalin.

At first it seemed like a normal reenactment. The UN folk were pacing and giving speeches to the war criminals about why they deserved to die. But that all changed when H. Jon Benjamin pulled out a pistol and pointed it at the head of Mussolini.

“You’ve had enough time to contemplate your crimes,” said Mr. Benjamin, dressed in slick US military garb. Then he pulled the trigger and Mussolini was no more.

Things didn’t erupt like you might expect. For everyone but myself, this seemed to be what was supposed to happen. I was under the impression that we were merely playing the parts of the war criminals. I certainly wasn’t really Stalin!

H. Jon Benjamin stared down Hitler and fired.

He looked at Howard W. Campbell Jr. and without even the slightest wince, he put a bullet deep into his skull.

I dared not move but I was panicking. He must have sensed it because, from across the group, he smuggly looked over at me and I felt him touch my soul.

“I’m going to make this painful for you,” he said to Stalin, to me.

H. Jon Benjamin calmly walked behind me. I could feel the gun against my head even though it was feet away.

“Please. Please just do it quickly. Please just kill me,” I pleaded as I dropped to my knees in the snow.

It seemed like an eternity. I knelt there praying to a god that I never believed to exist. Begging this supposed supreme being to take mercy on me and allow Mr. H. Jon Benjamin to find it in himself to murder me as painlessly as possible.

Finally, as I clenched my eyes closed tight, I felt something against the back of my head. Was it the bullet?

I prayed it was the bullet.

Very slowly I felt a tickle and a spreading sensation through my brain. YES! It was the bullet I had begged so earnestly for.

Time slowed to a crawl, allowing me to experience the last pleasure I would ever have… my death.

As the bullet split my brain in twain, I thanked everyone and everything for the ultimate experience of my . Then I lay, face first, in the snow. I was dead. I felt the death for beats upon beats, until my heart stopped beating altogether. But I could still feel by body laying on the warm snow as the blood rushed from the inside of my body to the outside.

Then… I awoke.

The Midnight Peebs Game!

Midnight Peebs Game INSTRUCTIONS

“Midnight Peebs” is an old pagan ritual used mainly as punishment for those who have broken the law. While it is mainly used as a scare tactic to not disobey the lords of kobol, there is still a very real chance of death to those who play Midnight Peebs and there is an even higher chance of permanent mental scarring. It is highly recommended that you DO NOT PLAY MIDNIGHT PEEBS.
Do so at your own risk.


PREREQUISITES: It must be exactly 12:00 AM when you begin performing the ritual, otherwise it will not work. It helps to be buzzed, if not drunk. The materials that are required include a candle, at least one drop of your own favorite booze, a piece of paper, matches or a lighter, pizza rolls, and a Beck CD.

STEP ONE: Write your full name on a piece of paper and put a drop of booze on it. Allow it to soak in.
STEP TWO: Turn off all the lights in the house. Go to your front door and place the paper with your name in front of it. Now, take the candle and light it. Place the candle on top of the paper with your name.
STEP THREE: Knock on your own door 31 times (The hour MUST be 12:00 AM upon the final knock), then open the door, let Paul Brooks into your house, blow out the candle, and close the door. You have just allowed the “Midnight Peebs” into your home. Begin playing the Beck CD.
STEP FOUR: Immediately relight your candle.

This is where the game begins. You must now lurk around your now completely dark house with the lit candle in hand. Your goal is to avoid Midnight Peebs at all costs until exactly 3:33 AM. Should your candle ever go out, it is because Midnight Peebs is near you. You must relight the candle within the next ten seconds. If you are unsuccessful in relighting the candle, you must then immediately surround yourself with a circle of pizza rolls.

If you are unsuccessful in both of these, Midnight Peebs will then induce a hallucination of your greatest fear until 3:33 AM, during which time he will feel you creepy. If you are successful in relighting the candle, then you may proceed. If you are successful in creating the circle of pizza rolls, you must remain within the circle until 3:33 AM. You must continue until 3:33 AM without being attacked by Midnight Peebs or being trapped within the circle of pizza rolls to win the game. Midnight Peebs will then leave at 3:33 AM and you will be safe to proceed with your morning.

Staying in one spot the entire game will only result in Midnight Peebs finding you. It is HIGHLY advised that you continue moving throughout the game.

Other suggestions:
DO NOT talk about Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT turn on any lights during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use a flashlight during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT go to sleep during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use another person’s booze during Midnight Peebs.
DO NOT use a lighter to substitute for a candle. It will not work.
AND DEFINITELY DO NOT attempt to provoke Midnight Peebs in ANY WAY.

That is all. Have fun.

Midnight Peebs sighting!